Tim Vine Quotes

• Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Family

  Tags in People, World

• Now, most dentist’s chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual’. And the dentist said to me ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Dentist

• People ask ‘do you make a conscious effort not to swear?’ – if you’re doing silly stuff you’re not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Effort

• I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in People, Place

• So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Picking

• My house is a bit like a teenager’s bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I’ve got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in House

• Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Trick

• So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Swimming

• I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Lifetime

• So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in World, Car

• With silly stuff, it’s seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it’s because I’m nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Confidence

• So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Want

• I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Love

  Tags in Myself

• So I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: I can’t make Tuesdays.’

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Teach, Teaching

• I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Past

  Tags in Sea

• You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Fact, Hunt

• I love acting, but it’s all just a bonus.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Acting

• I was reading a book… ‘the history of glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Reading

• Black beauty – he’s a dark horse.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Horse

• So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

  Tim Vine

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Red

Tim Vine (31)

Birth:	4th March, 1967
Nationality:	British
Profession:	Actor, Comedian, Writer

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Today's Anniversary - 2nd April

Births

• 1940 - Penelope Keith
• 1950 - Lynn Westmoreland
• 1875 - Walter Chrysler
• 1891 - Max Ernst
• 1862 - Nicholas Murray Butler

Deaths

• 1891 - Albert Pike
• 1872 - Samuel Morse
• 2005 - Pope John Paul II
• 1865 - Richard Cobden
• 2007 - George Sewell