Henny Youngman Quotes

• My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

  Henny Youngman

• My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

  Henny Youngman

• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

  Henny Youngman

• My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

  Henny Youngman

• My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

  Henny Youngman

• If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

  Henny Youngman

• If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

  Henny Youngman

• If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

  Henny Youngman

• I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

  Henny Youngman

• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

  Henny Youngman

• I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

  Henny Youngman

• I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

  Henny Youngman

• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

  Henny Youngman

  Topics in Christmas

• I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

  Henny Youngman

• How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

  Henny Youngman

• A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

  Henny Youngman

• A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

  Henny Youngman

• A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

  Henny Youngman

• This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

  Henny Youngman

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Women

• Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

  Henny Youngman

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Travel

Henny Youngman (52)

Birth:	16th March, 1906
Death:	24th February, 1998
Nationality:	American
Profession:	Comedian, Violinist

About

Henry "Henny" Youngman was born in London, England. He was an American comedian and violinist famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". His role in several films include: A Wave, a WAC and a Marine, The Gore Gore Girls, Silent Movie, Amazon Women on the Moon, and Goodfellas.

Related Authors

• Harry Shearer
• Estelle Getty
• Chevy Chase
• Jorge Garcia
• Tim Allen
• Yvon Deschamps
• Dennis Miller
• James Belushi
• Bob Uecker
• Delta Burke

Advertisement

Today's Anniversary - 25th November

Births

• 1939 - Martin Feldstein
• 1870 - Maurice Denis
• 1562 - Lope de Vega
• 1936 - William McIlvanney
• 1896 - Virgil Thomson

Deaths

• 2002 - Karel Reisz
• 1973 - Laurence Harvey
• 1970 - Yukio Mishima
• 1998 - Nelson Goodman
• 1974 - U Thant