Henny Youngman Quotes

• The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

  Henny Youngman

• That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

  Henny Youngman

• Take my wife… Please!

  Henny Youngman

• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  Henny Youngman

• She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

  Henny Youngman

• She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

  Henny Youngman

• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

  Henny Youngman

• My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

  Henny Youngman

• My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

  Henny Youngman

• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

  Henny Youngman

• My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

  Henny Youngman

• My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

  Henny Youngman

• If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

  Henny Youngman

• If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

  Henny Youngman

• If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

  Henny Youngman

• I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

  Henny Youngman

• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

  Henny Youngman

• I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

  Henny Youngman

• I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

  Henny Youngman

• I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

  Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman (52)

Birth:	16th March, 1906
Death:	24th February, 1998
Nationality:	American
Profession:	Comedian, Violinist

About

Henry "Henny" Youngman was born in London, England. He was an American comedian and violinist famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". His role in several films include: A Wave, a WAC and a Marine, The Gore Gore Girls, Silent Movie, Amazon Women on the Moon, and Goodfellas.

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Today's Anniversary - 2nd January

Births

• 1936 - Roger Miller
• 1971 - Taye Diggs
• 1923 - Philip J. Davis
• 1865 - William Lyon Phelps
• 1905 - Michael Tippett

Deaths

• 1963 - Dick Powell
• 1917 - Sir Edward Burnett Tylor
• 2007 - Robert C. Solomon