Emo Philips Quotes

• You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

  Emo Philips

• Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

  Emo Philips

• When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

  Emo Philips

• Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

  Emo Philips

• Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

  Emo Philips

• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

  Emo Philips

• Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

  Emo Philips

• Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

  Emo Philips

• Probably the worst time in a person’s life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it’s been a pretty good day.

  Emo Philips

• Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

  Emo Philips

• People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.

  Emo Philips

• My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have s*x quite so often.

  Emo Philips

• My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.

  Emo Philips

• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

  Emo Philips

• In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

  Emo Philips

• I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

  Emo Philips

• I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

  Emo Philips

• I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

  Emo Philips

• I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.

  Emo Philips

• I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

  Emo Philips

Emo Philips (39)

Birth:	7th February, 1956
Nationality:	American
Profession:	Comedian

About

Emo Philips was born in Chicago, Illinois, USA. He is an American comedian. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant. He has recorded three comedy albums. His album E=mo², recorded live at Caroline's in New York City, won the 1985 New Music Award for best comedy album. He also released an album called Emo in 2001.

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