Emo Philips Quotes

• In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

  Emo Philips

• I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

  Emo Philips

• I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

  Emo Philips

• I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

  Emo Philips

• I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.

  Emo Philips

• I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

  Emo Philips

• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

  Emo Philips

• I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

  Emo Philips

• I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks.

  Emo Philips

• I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

  Emo Philips

• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

  Emo Philips

• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

  Emo Philips

• I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.

  Emo Philips

• I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’

  Emo Philips

• He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

  Emo Philips

• England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual’.

  Emo Philips

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

  Emo Philips

• Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

  Emo Philips

• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’

  Emo Philips

  Tags in Adultery

Emo Philips (39)

Birth:	7th February, 1956
Nationality:	American
Profession:	Comedian

About

Emo Philips was born in Chicago, Illinois, USA. He is an American comedian. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant. He has recorded three comedy albums. His album E=mo², recorded live at Caroline's in New York City, won the 1985 New Music Award for best comedy album. He also released an album called Emo in 2001.

Related Authors

• Jon Stewart
• Dewey Markham
• Mel Blanc
• Julia Louis Dreyfus
• Phil Harris
• Russell Mark
• Fanny Brice
• Jonathan Ross
• Andy Milonakis
• Groucho Marx

Advertisement

Today's Anniversary - 23rd January

Births

• 1897 - William Stephenson
• 1898 - Sergei Eisenstein
• 1923 - Walter Miller
• 1915 - Potter Stewart
• 1783 - Stendhal

Deaths

• 2002 - Robert Nozick
• 1866 - Thomas Love Peacock
• 1947 - Pierre Bonnard
• 1806 - William Pitt
• 1996 - Norman MacCaig