Emo Philips Quotes

• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

  Emo Philips

  Topics in Work

  Tags in Realised, Bicycle, Asked, Him, Then, Stole, Every, Pray, Used, New, Forgive, Way, Kid, Lord

• I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

  Emo Philips

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Thanks, Other, Sleeping

• My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

  Emo Philips

  Topics in Computer

  Tags in Checkers, Beat

• How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

  Emo Philips

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Hand, People

• I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

  Emo Philips

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Next, Friend

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  Emo Philips

  Topics in Computer

• You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

  Emo Philips

• Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

  Emo Philips

• When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

  Emo Philips

• Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

  Emo Philips

• Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

  Emo Philips

• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

  Emo Philips

• Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

  Emo Philips

• Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

  Emo Philips

• Probably the worst time in a person’s life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it’s been a pretty good day.

  Emo Philips

• Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

  Emo Philips

• People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.

  Emo Philips

• My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have s*x quite so often.

  Emo Philips

• My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.

  Emo Philips

• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

  Emo Philips

Emo Philips (39)

Birth:	7th February, 1956
Nationality:	American
Profession:	Comedian

About

Emo Philips was born in Chicago, Illinois, USA. He is an American comedian. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant. He has recorded three comedy albums. His album E=mo², recorded live at Caroline's in New York City, won the 1985 New Music Award for best comedy album. He also released an album called Emo in 2001.

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