Demetri Martin Quotes

• A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Dangerous

• A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in People, Like, Sign

• A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy.

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Garbage

• Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Breath

• I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Like, Songs

• I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice!’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Like, Nice

• I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Like, Butter

• I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Like, Game

• I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar!

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Trust

  Tags in Like, Name

• I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Love

  Tags in Like, Park

• I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Confusion

  Tags in Notice

• I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Guess’.

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Guess

• I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Computer

  Tags in Language

• I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Think, Interesting

• I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Decision

  Tags in People, Like

• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Sports

  Tags in Good, Play

• I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Pieces

• I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Sorry

• I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, ‘Actual’. I’m not to scale.

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Clothing

• I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’

  Demetri Martin

  Topics in Uncategorized

  Tags in Intelligent

Demetri Martin (74)

Birth:	25th May, 1973
Nationality:	American
Profession:	Actor, Comedian, Humorist, Screenwriter

About

Demetri Martin was born in New York City, New York. He is an American comedian, actor, screenwriter, and humorist. He graduated from Yale University in 1995. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin. In 2001, Martin caught his first big break in stand-up comedy when he appeared on Comedy Central's stand-up showcase Premium Blend. On September 2, 2007, he appeared on the season finale of the HBO series Flight of the Conchords. He played a small role in the 2011 film Contagion. On April 25, 2011, Martin released his first book, titled This Is a Book.

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